Today, Feb. 6, is my birthday. I figured, if anything, let me mark it with a small entry, just so I can have something that actually shows I existed. I'm the age where I am the answer to life, the universe and everything. I'm 42. Unfortunately, as someone said, it's all how you feel. Which puts me at 62. Nonetheless, for some reason, even though it's my birthday, a day I usually do not particularly like or celebrate, it falling during my unhappy depressed time, I feel oddly serene. Not happy, but not as depressed or disgusted as usual. Which is odd because I don't have a lot of good things to look forward to at the moment. I have to break up with my girlfriend that I haven't seen in 4 months and have spoken to a total of 2 times in that period because after she basically treated me like nothing more than a distant friend for a month and then like a person that owed her money and shot her dog on our last date, I had to re-evaluate whether I should continue seeing her. Unfortunately, I can procrastinate with the best of them, and mulled over the decision for the last 6 months where I came to the realization that she doesn't really love me for who I am, she just wants someone to be with and for me, probably the same. She wanted to change me to be the person she wanted, I can't do that, I'm too old. I can be very
accommodating but when you want me to be someone I'm not, well, yeah, that's the end. Maybe I should have said something sooner and let her know that this is the way I am, take it or leave it, but I was smitten at the time, maybe just a little happy to be with someone again. Basically, all the wrong reasons. Looking back, other than we kinda enjoyed each others company and a few things like traveling and food, we really didn't have a lot in common. Basically, a lot of things I enjoy in life, she could have cared less for. Her interests, although I could be interested in a lot of things, were just peripheral for me. I would make myself interested in the things she liked, like shopping, smoking weed all the time, shopping, plays, shopping, smoking more bad weed, shopping, going to the beach, smoking more bad weed, shopping, you get the idea. Meanwhile, she kinda blew off my interests. She also demanded her own i
ndependence from me while needing me to follow her like a puppy dog. Um, no. Like I said, I am an exceedingly
accommodating person, but I can also be the biggest bastard and asshole in the world. Probably why I stopped calling her for a month, and not returning her call. She caught me about 4 months ago, I was thinking of completely breaking then and I thought I detected the same in her voice, like I said, there had been absolutely no affection from her for over 2-3 months. I agreed to dinner. Unfortunately, I had a birthday gift for her, and in the true
tradition of my utter stupidity, I wanted to give it to her, because, of course I bought it for her, I wasn't going give it to someone else, so give it to her and then dump her. It was pearl earrings and a string of pearls. Well, idiot, of course she was going to love it, she did. Of course she would think she you still wanted her, she did. Of course she was so happy you couldn't bring yourself to break it off with her and ruin her evening, I didn't. Take a seat '
tard in the back of the
short bus. I spoke with her maybe twice, briefly, the last 4 months. I just wanted to avoid the situation, in the great tradition of procrastinators and assholes everywhere. She called me today, I was really busy, but she wanted to have dinner to celebrate with me, I told her I was having dinner with my mother, she said how about Friday, I said maybe, had to go. I'm terrible person, I don't want her to waste anymore time with me, I just can't bring myself to tell her, I don't want to hurt her. I'm usually the one that gets dumped, I think I dumped one girl and that was because she was truly a crazy bitch. I usually date horrible women because I often make terrible choices when it comes to women. One of the reasons I stopped dating for so long. Can't take being beat up all the time. So, have to do that.
What else is wrong, actually, other than the usual, need more money, need to get out more, etc., everything else is not too bad. Just tired from my trip and a lot of work since I've been back. I wanted to say more in this post, or maybe not so much, just different things. But that is the horrible that is consuming my conscience right now. But oddly, other than that, I feel kinda calm and serene today. I was thinking I should count myself more fortunate than I accept myself to be. I feel things could be a lot worse and that I should be happy with some of the good things in life. Like, and this is kinda an odd one that came to mind, I'm not dead and my mother didn't have to bury one of her children. Not that I haven't almost died, once to her knowledge, and twice not to her knowledge. So she never had to suffer that, and that makes me a little happy. Weird huh? Also, I was thinking, I believe the expression is that if you have 5 good friends, you can count yourself fortunate in life. This thought came to me also while walking home. I decided to count it off and found, if I count the two or three friends that I haven't spoken to in quite awhile, but know me and know that I naturally live the life of a hermit, but that can count on me, I have at least 6, and maybe working on 2-3 more. That makes me more than fortunate. Makes me a goddamn
party animal y'all. So maybe life ain't that bad. Now I just have to get my ass out of the house.
Here's a picture of me actually smiling and not making a funny face to cover my ugly mug. I took it as a hoot while waiting for my plane at Lindbergh Airport in San Diego. I wasn't happy, but not sad. Just sort of there. Hope you guys can feel the same way sometime.
